POTUS is delivering his first State of the Union address tonight. Here’s a quick primer, written by Hillary’s cantankerous former campaign honcho. Okay, my fingertips are on the keyboard. Hopefully I will have something to say. I just feel so inadequate now without an iPad.

Coming into tonight’s address, when I think of the Obama Adminstration, I think of what Liam Neeson said to Bruce Wayne early on in Batman Begins: “Whatever your original intentions… you have become truly lost.”

It’s not so much that they have screwed up the country, but they are in a rut. Scratch that, I think slump works better. Y’know what, let’s just go with “ditch” and get on with the speech. Maybe POTUS will pull off an upset tonight, though it’s not bloody likely.

Shakedown! | 9:05 p.m. Some members of Congress camp out all day to be seen shaking the president’s hand now. Last year, this was certainly the case. I wonder how many less pitched a tent in the pews of the House chamber this year? Oh, he’s coming in! God, this entrance make me want to watch The American President.

Bad Optics | 9:12 p.m. Whatever Obama says, I bet he wishes he could swap in some alternates. That visual of Biden and (especially) Pelosi behind him can only do harm right now. Nonetheless, I’m digging his tie.

Bipartisan Ovation | 9:17 p.m. United hatred of the bailout gets Republicans and Democrats to stand for the first ovation of the speech.

Bailout “As Popular As Root Canal” | 9:19 p.m. Oh, no you didn’t! Dentists have got to be marshaling their resources to take down Obama now. On a related note, Joe Biden’s been overdosing on Crest Whitestrips.

High-Speed Rail! | 9:29 p.m. Tampa’s getting a new train. Hopefully it won’t be as annoying as that Coors Light one. Man, Nancy Pelosi needs to stop standing and beaming so much.

Obama’s “Dharma Initiative” | 9:34 p.m. Dharma is roughly interpreted as “an individual’s righteous duty.” Taking on all these hard problems by the horns (financial reform, energy, health care) is what Obama considers his.

The Senate Lag Time | 9:38 p.m. Anyone sensing a trend here? Every time he congratulates the House on passing a bill on X issue, Obama has to say something hopeful about how the Senate is a clogged legislative drain.

The H-Bomb Drops | 9:45 p.m. Health care reform is being broached. Obama dropped some jokes to get it going, best of which is, “By now it should be fairly obvious that I didn’t take on health care because it was good politics.” The levity is good. By the way, HDTV has irrefutably proven that Obama’s hair is now formally  Salt-N-Pepa. Did somebody say Just For Men gel?

Yellow Jackets | 9:58 p.m. Is there a reason why so many female members of Congress are wearing bright yellow? They’re like garrish lighthouses in a harbor of charcoal and pinstripe.

No Beating Around Bush| 10:07 p.m. In referencing that more Al Qaeda terrorists have been captured or killed in the last year than in 2008, Obama has made at least his third factual slap at George W. Bush.

The Other “Nuclear Option”| 10:11 p.m. While he talks tough on defense and reducing our nuclear arsenal in concert with Russia, I’m reminded I forgot to mention earlier that Obama appears to have reversed his stance more markedly on building nuclear power plants in America. In the campaign, McCain was bullish on this, while Obama was squeamish.

Emotion and Vigor| 10:20 p.m. Disagree with Obama, say he overthinks things, but don’t say he is detached and unemotional. I’ve never bought these claims. The spectrum of inflection in his voice, his good humor, and the conviction of these statements should show that. There’s a difference between having a cool temperament and being cold-hearted.

The Inspiring Crescendo| 10:23 p.m. Quotes from average Americans lead to a “We don’t quit! I don’t quit!” finale. All in all, POTUS demonstrated pragmatism, a healthy sarcasm, and delivered a rousing speech. Will it matter at all? When people haven’t agreed with you for a year, they are hard-pressed to turn on a dime. Let’s hope the Administration and Congress leave with a renewed sense of purpose and productivity. And that the real Lost premiere next week doesn’t suck.